Musings of a Daydreaming Wanderer

June 2004 NS Intake Band of Brothers Last Seen Online:
Sean (aka sykopath) - June 8th 23:06:05

I was on my way home from a friend’s house when I took a bus back home, and decided to ride out the whole ride since its a loop service. Went from the area near my friend’s place, to the area around my place, and then into Jurong West, and further on, at the Nanyang area. Passed by a few churches, a lot of HDB blocks and quite a few parks as well. As I sat on the bus thinking about the beauty of the place, I feel that the place is really serene and laid back. Traffic wasn’t so light, and there were lots of wide open spaces where parks weren’t there. For a moment, I fancied getting “lost” in that place so that I could scout out the whole area and look at the surroundings, but I don’t have the time now. Lost in my thoughts, I wondered if I screwed up my life thus far since the second year of study in polytechnic. I feel plain *tired* of everything, and contemplated whether am I fated to be a loser. Then I remembered a saying from the Fellowship of the Ring novel - “Faithless is he who says goodbye when the road darkens.” I guess I should have more faith in myself - no matter how hard my journey becomes, I must persevere and move on.

Sigh, should I be needlessly worried about (text censored by the author’s subconscious), or should it be vice versa - or both even? *Gathers willpower* I must expect the unexpected, as usual, and rely on nothing but myself. So thus, the road has dimmed, and I foresee bad times ahead. Where I go in the dark or when the light is found at the end of the tunnel, I do not know. Even if I carry with me Hope, Faith and Trust - three instruments that I treasure and do not have much of - they will be of little use, for I seldom use and call upon them to guide my journey.

Okay I finally found some time to blog about what happened the past few days. Firstly I’ve been coding for days, getting the project that I’m working on to work correctly and make it “elegant” in terms of OOP.

Then on Saturday went to a…what is it called?…youth event? Don’t know how to call it haha, but its quite fun lah, though a bit tiring. Either I’m need to get fit or I’m frankly getting too old for playing “kids games”. Haha. Then I was on my way home and reached it at 9:45ish, and then went straight to bed…too tired to do any programming for the day.

Thinking about what two of my friends said about me at that event got me thinking - is this really me? “Quiet”? Certainly, they were not the first to say that - the first being a friend back in the year 2000 at the APEC Youth Science Festival when she said that I was quiet when compared to other guys - and I wasn’t really surprised by their comment on my character - rather, I was expecting it - most of the times when I am quiet are the times when I am in silent contemplation about a thought.

I almost forgot, the view of the shoreline in the evening is wonderful. Just standing there (text censored by author’s subconscious) makes me think about my (text censored by author’s subconscious) life. I wonder if (text censored by author’s subconscious).

Saturday’s event prompted me to really think about myself. Inevitably, the issue will crop up, and I was expecting it, even dreading it. Personally, I don’t know what to do right now. It’s kind of a strange feeling you get, because on the one hand I want to believe whatever I want to believe in because those beliefs make a person who he/she is today, and on the other, there is the promise of the truth and discarding your previous beliefs (flashback to Morpheus offering Neo the blue and red pills). It’s a really hard decision, because there are not too many people to help you choose - i.e. your friends, patron god(s), your parents, a religious leader or yourself. I only have two choices by my reckoning - either I trust a patron’s decision (if there ever is a meta-physical manifestation of my current or future patron god(s)), or I decide for myself. Being as a person who has mostly relied on himself, and only using faith as the last means of resort, I guess the decision lies with me then. However, the other issue is that if I decide on a choice, is it because I want to be accepted by other people, or is it because I truly belief in the faith? You see the dilemma? The beauty - and the cruelty - of it all?

I finally found a nice David Tao song…LOL! “Angel”. Nice and sentimental. Basket, my laptop doesn’t play those nice songs at home - when I go to school it plays them. Hmmm…it must hate me or something. =)

Today was quite fun…had WSAS test this morning (its a cakewalk!) and then slack in school at the MMTC. A few of my friends who were participating in the NSC were practicing their PHP skills there…and because I was bored with coding my FYP, I helped them to code a bit. Haha…they all were like surprised that my code works whereas theirs don’t! Hehe…maybe I’m just used to it lah, I’ve been doing PHP since year 2, but I never had time to code one *proper* application. Perhaps I should have participated in the NSC…ah well, I have no regrets at all (does that sound familiar? Hehe =P) for not joining.

Well, that’s all for now, gotta go back to staring at my codes.

Why were you here this afternoon? Are you doing your work or something else, or both at the same time? I hope not. In any case, I’m just keeping to my word. I know you’re tired, and probably feeling down too. If you’re watching out for me…then I’m watching out for you too. Not that I mean anything.

Stupidity at my best today. I made a stupid mistake…

Sigh, too serious too soon…

Damn, I really screwed up. Guess I’m really oblivious.

It’s time for me to be “re-ordained”. Since breaking from my vow of chivalry 5-6 years ago I have been through the best and worse of times, and many unpleasant memories. Today isn’t really unpleasant, just that what I did today reminded me of my vow-breaking self, and despite my breaking of the vow I still acted according to it. So its time to return to the order of the Kinghts of the Old Code, “officially”.

A knight is sworn to valour
“I vow upon myself that I shall be courageous”
His heart knows only virtue
“And act as a virtuous knight as according to the Code”
His Blade defends the helpless
“With my abilities and skills I shall defend the helpless and innocent”
His might upholds the weak
“While my actions shall be the strength of the people around me”
His word speaks only truth
“My words shall ring without any bias or prejudice”
His wrath undoes the wicked
“And woe be upon the one who unleashes the demon within me”

Sigh… someone died at the block next to mine…not sure of the cause…but she’s only 23! OMG. And she’s a university graduate!

Anyway there was a funeral…er….”thingy” at the void deck. Pretty ok, considering that its the second Christian funeral I’ve seen (the first one was at my school principal’s home wayyy back in 2000 and not only I saw, I attended)…until the evening. Guess what I saw? I saw a big nice decorated truck! “Word, WORSHIP, Work” (or is it supposed to be read as “Work, Word, WORSHIP”? I don’t know, I just write it as it appears from left to right) written on the cross that has been painted on the truck, and a closer look reveals that the church in question is New Creation Church. Cool, I didn’t know churches have these type of trucks. Hehe.

The memory will die now. It will die. It must die. It does not exist. It cannot happen. It is impossible. The world is cold and I must follow. No one cares about me. No single person bothers me about my life. Nobody gives an ass about me. Therefore no single individual deserves my attention and care.

She will pass my memory in peace, just as the flowers of the cherry blossom tree falling to the ground in the gentle breeze. All is quiet. Peaceful. Silent. She’s lost in my memory. To forget…to forget. Forgetting is easy but getting over it is harder. She will go. She must go. She has to go.

What is this feeling that I have? I have not felt this way in a long time. Since… 4 years ago. Why? What makes helping out in the open house feel so… good? I vaguely remember helping out because I wanted to see someone… I think. But why now?